It's A New Day!

Feeling better now...well at least my dispostion!

Although I didn't think it would be better at first!

At first Hubby didn't wish me anything but good morning. I was waiting for the Happy Birthday! On went GMA, Good Morning, today is...and still nothing. Ok, yesterday is becoming today. Last night in my quirkiness, I bit off his head, which didn't taste good and quickly appoligised. All he did was start a recorded, yes recorded, which mean it can be started over, while I wasn't in the room. So this morning, when I didn't get the HAPPY wishes I was expecting, I again thought he wasn't thinking of me yet again. Then a couple hours later he came back home and I thought, WOW, he remembered and came all the way to give me my wishes. WRONG! He needed something for work and out the door he went again.

What does a birthday girl on her birthday ALONE? Take down the last of the Christmas tree's. The main tree. The biggest tree. The tree with the most lights, the most ornaments, vines and berries, birds and ribbons. So I gingerly went to work on it. Took me 3 hours, but it is done.

The box below was my MIL's and came with her when they moved out to California in 1969. When I inherited all her ornaments, I also inherited the box. I keep it covered in the same plastic bag she had around it and when my daughter inherits it, she too will be required to take care of the box that is probably close to 50 years old.

Then the phone rings and I see it is him. Love caller ID! I almost let it go to the machine for I didn't want to let him off the hook, so I answered. Yes, he was calling to wish me Happy Birthday. He realized what day it was when he had to write the date on a customers order. I said thank you, have a great day at work, see you later, click. Not but a few minutes later he called back. "Hey, think you will be up to going out to dinner?" Ok, that was nice of him. Sounds good.

Though I just hate everyone has to ask, ARE YOU UP for, fill in the blank, but that is my life. No...this is Our Journey Through LIFE!

For the First Time!

I'm in a bit of a funk! And it's not the first time!

It might have something to do with losing our dog Monday.

It might have something to do with how painful the last month has been.

It might be I have to get down the last of the tree's and decorations by Friday so the housekeeper can clean.

It might be we lost our dog Monday.

It might be one of my twins made it home safely only to take the 'Grand'dogter home. And the other is back east freezing.

It might be that tomorrow is my 53rd birthday.

It might be we lost our dear sweet Maybell.

However, life will get back to normal, right! Depends on what normal will be. Normal like the year we just had, I hope not.

To be BOLD, like another blogger I read, things just aren't normal around here and I am not sure how to pick it up or even apart sometimes.

For the first time in years, there is no construction going on. I have floors I can walk on and not trip and fall. I can slowly get things out of storage, only to then try and figure out where and how to arrange it all. I can dust one day a week (swifter that is) instead of daily, (my housekeeper will be happy also for the lack of dust in cracks). I get to LIVE in a finished home, yet things get me in this funk. I can only do so much before the pain tells me to stop.

For the first time in years, I have lost another dog and the pain of missing her over comes me at times. From morning bisquits - to seeing her ball laying on the yard, brings back that heart wrenching ache. Dealing with the anger of not knowing she got out, why she got, when did she get out, brings guilt of why didn't I wake up. I usually hear every noise made in and around my house, even while asleep, but for the last few weeks, I have had to take pain medication and/or cold medication at night and just didn't hear anything. Just beating myself up mad!

For the first time in years, I have stuck with two great doctor's who understand that just because I have tumors growing in me that can't be removed, doesn't mean I don't want or can't LIVE and enjoy the journey. To find out it was them causing the symptoms of a NMD was relieving yet scarey. Knowing my spinal cord is being compressed and could cause me to develope more myopathy down the way, scares me. To know anyone of them could rupture, scares me. Knowing I have one on my liver, and if it goes, so do I, scares me. But this last year and a half, I have been in Christian counseling and have learned that God is there for me. I know He will be there for my family. I know He has a plan for all this and will trust in Him.

For the first time in years, it was not up to me to put a bandaid on my children's booboo's. But to watch, and sometimes hear, them tend their own wounds, made me realize we have down a great job with our children. With all we have gone through as a family, it only made us stronger and built character in ways only a parent can understand and be proud of. Did we like all their choices? Would we have made the same choices? Probably not, but they weren't for us to make and with love and encouragment, they learned just what they needed to learn, went through just what they needed to learn, and it has all brought them to where they are now. I see great things ahead for all of them.

For the first time in years, my family, and I am not talking about the family I raised, but the family I was raised with, does not bother me anymore. Some try to knock on my door in very disfunctional ways, but I don't open the door. It's my door, and if I don't want to open it, I don't have to. Do I miss that sisterly relationship? I would if it had been there before, but it wasn't. It was never there to protect me, only to hurt me. It wasn't there to lift my spirits, but to drag me down. I do have a sisterly relationships with one of them, her being the oldest while I am the youngest. I have a very close relationship with brother and my SIL is more like a sister. I have two very close and dear friends that are defiantely my sisters. They are there for me, and only for me. They don't need to knock me down, they pick me up. I don't even know who in the family reads my blog. I have sent them the link a number of times, but none of them follow me. That says something, doesn't it. (I know my friends and brother reads it as they email me) So if they do, and they are reading this, I have probably pissed them off again. They don't seem to like me speaking up and opening the closets. But as my counselor says, it's their junk. And what another blogger said, It's my blog and I'll blog what I want to. So if you are reading, try to make an attempt at some HONEST ammends. You know my number, if you have lost it, I'm listed and it has not changed in the 15 years we have lived here. If you are reading, then down the road, you just might see a post of how and what seperated us, wrote HONESTLY.

Thanks for letting me vent, I feel a bit better, even though my ribs and back hurt so much, it could be the pain meds doing thier job.

Wordless Wednesday...Can't Wait For Days Like This Again!

2008 when the new slided went up.

Meet Bella

I was so looking forward to this New Year. After all the turmoil we experienced a few times last year, it could only get better, right, but it threw us another dart, straight to my heart.

The loss of a dog that had been by our side for 9 years, was a companion for our grandson, was the princess in the castle, was taken from us, unexpectedly. We have 2 other dogs that are 12 years old and know that they too will be leaving us someday, but it is expected. The difference is we will get to say goodby.

This was the second time we had lost a dog by means of a car. After our first guy, Pugsly was lost the same way when we moved out to the country, we got not one new dog but two. They were never let outside the gates without being closely watch. I never wanted to go through that loss again and protected them in many ways to the point of OCB.

Maybell joined our household in 2000 and quickly entered our hearts with so much joy. However, as she got older, she learned how to open the gate. each time my heart would sink. She would be scoulded and told about the dangers outside the gate, but being a dog, being a lab, she had a mind of her own. A strong willed mind at that. Not but a few months ago, during one of her escapes, she was up on the levie and as I called her home, a lump in throat grew as she darted down the embankment toward the calls, right in the path of cars. OMG! It became a routine that the gate be checked each and everytime anyone came and went. Even a few weeks ago, while the housekeeper was unpacking her truck with cleaning supplies, she managed to take advantage of the unlocked gate, like she knew she could get out, and immediately was down the road. The housekeeper was able to bring her home. I couldn't wrap my mind around why she was always trying to get out. Why now, after 9 years, did she feel the need to always get out. What was outside the gate that she needed to put her life in danger for? We will never understand or know, but you can bet, and I pray God hears, it will never happen again.

To  ease our hearts, we are looking for another lab.

Meet Bella...

We believe that God understands our needs and if she is to find a home with us, it will be by his will. She is not ready for adoption until January 8th and there are other families looking at her as well. I filled out the application and the rest is in Gods hands. If she is not the one for us, we will find the Bella that is.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;" (Proverbs 3:5)
Is it wierd to have already picked out a name for a dog we haven't gotten or know we will get? But just thinking that one day soon we will have a Bella to mend our broken heart, helps the healing. We'll begin to acquire all the necessary supplies a new puppy needs, clean up the kennel as we always kennel train our dogs. Makes the housebreaking so much easier. Will Jake and Abby welcome her and be the grandparents to this little one? Will Tucker accept her as a sister? So many preparations. So much to look forward to while we grieve the loss of Maybell. It warms our hearts to know the joy and love a new dog bring to our home.

We are so sad!

It is a sad, sad, sad day here today.

Our lab of 9 years has gone to heaven. Somehow she got out the gate. She knew how to open it if it wasn't latched all the way. All we can think is she figured out how to jimmie the latch as we know we always make sure it clicks when we come and go through it.

I didn't know what was going on this morning. I woke and hubby was not in the house. Just a few minutes later, I heard his truck, but thought he was just getting it ready for work. Then I heard his cries. My man rarely cries and had no idea if he got a phone call while outside. That is when he hugged me, crying Maybell had been hit by a car. I collapsed in his arms. I just felt numb and overcome with grief. He said he had a feeling something wasn't right when he woke up and she was not on his side of the bed. She is always there. He showered, got dressed and still didn't see her. He then went out to look for her and found her, I don't know exactly where, and not sure I want to. He said she wasn't mangled if I wanted to see her, but again declined. It was hard enough knowing she was gone. It was hard enough seeing my mother in a coffin, I didn't really need to see her laying there either. Thank God we took many pictures of her life with us. That is how I will remember her.

Now I must go through all the stages of greiving...

1. Denial – Refusing to believe what has happened, feeling shocked.

This can’t be happening.

2. Anger – Accusing others, such as a supreme being or friends, for what has occurred.

How dare you, God, let this happen! You knew how much she was loved. I am so MAD, that I didn't wake up to the gate noise.

3. Bargaining – Asking God to “cut a deal".

Can she just be unconscience?  God, was she to suffer something else later and You spared her and us that pain?

4. Depression – Experiencing listlessness or exhaustion combined with feelings of helplessness, guilt and lack of interest in life.

I just can't stop crying. My dogs are like my children. I can see that the other dogs are sad. They don't know where she is.

5. Acceptance – Facing the loss and moving on, returning to setting goals in your life and focusing your energy more positively.

This will be a while. My one son said he would find me another Lab. We did briefly say something to that effect when trying to counsol each other, but it is going to be hard to replace such a loyal dog. I will have Faith that God will guide as as he always does.

For now, I will let out all the cries I can for when my grandson get home from visiting his dad, I must be strong. Those two played all the time. Where ever Bug went in the yard, Maybell was right there. They would play in the water, swim together in the pool, and play ball and tug of war. She was GREAT with all the kids, but Bug and her were unseperable.

My heart just aches today...we are all so, so, sad!

Check it out....

This is My Girl's work...

Hers is the second one, Amber1279, Growing up Friends.

Just a mama being proud of what her little girl can do!