Thursday, April 26, 2012

April Showers Hopes For May Flowers

Boy has it been showering!

First the memorial while during a custody battle. Then getting ill during it. I can honestly say I am finally feeling much better. After 2weeks, I can finally move without pain.

After Easter, I realized I had misplaced my sunglasses. Last time I had them was on the trip home. Since I was on pain killers for the drive, my memory was mush. For 2 days in fact. I hate taking them and that is why. I couldn’t even retrace my steps to help find my glasses. As the tumors continue to grow I think we might have more days like that but for now, lets not worry about what’s to come. Let’s just enjoy the now!

Then there was the unexpected déjà vu with the family. I am not sure where that is or how it is going. I continually pray for their recovery and strength as they work through this road in their journey.

On the custody battle, God has been doing a fine job of putting all the pieces in place. It hasn’t been easy for our son but see God’s hand at work and is finding  a new direction in his faith.

The will of God will never take you to where the grace of God will not protect you.


As I am writing this, it is actually raining outside! Yay! We only get 2 inches a year around these parts. So ya, it can be a big deal.

Perfect timing too. I have been putzing around the yard getting it ready for a number of up coming events. Since I am still waiting for my outside water system to be fixed, the rain will give me a few more days.

The system actually died last year while we were with our son fighting his cancer. No automatic watering system means death in the desert for plants. Once I lost them, there was no need to replace them until it is fixed. The time has arrived and I am patiently waiting. However, I laid done an ultimatum…if not fixed, I will figure out how to do it myself or HIRE someone who already knows how. Must be a man thing and pride, LOL! NAY! It’s more like why pay someone for something he can do? Because it takes for ever!

It does pay to B…. about the undone honey do list though. When ever I get to the point of calling in a professional, hubby seems to step it up.

Over the weekend, he did get the pool up and going.












It didn’t take long for these two to plunge right in.


Yesterday, momma turkey was out with her family. We got a close up of the new baby turkeys.








They kind a had an explorative day. Seems they can fit through small openings allowing them to  getting out. Momma’s had the whole ordeal under control. However, Tom Tom was not happy that his family was outside the fence.


He kept running up and down the fence, like telling them to get back in there. However the babies had other ideas and visiting the neighbors was part of it. Just like a couple moms to show off their babies.


Speaking of babies…our Buddy has learned there is more to this mobility thing. He’s found that his body CAN do so much. At first we were thinking he was going to walk before he crawls.








Out of nowhere, and in just a day, he found that he can scoot across the floor pretty fast too! With feet stomping steps  he makes his way around the tables and couch and now the army crawling, his world has a whole view now a days.

Our April Showers will definitely be bringing some May Flowers.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Merry-Go-Round!

It was a ride I was on for probably 15 years. From the age of 10 or so I realized my family life was not as it appeared. It was a faithful catholic family on the outside.

Captured 2003-9-4 00029(Me with my friend Cindy, sister Barbara and baby brother Bill)

This is the only picture I found of my First Holy Communion. There is no picture of me with my mom on this very special day. Being the baby girl, I remember feeling the anticipation of the special moments ahead, since I had watched my older sister’s go through the same rituals. However, that wasn’t how it was for me. It was always different. No fan fare! No group photos other then this one was found. Until while up for the memorial I was given this picture from my best friend. Had no idea it even existed.


My best friend is on the right of me. She had no idea I didn’t have this picture and will look through more of her parents for others.

I didn’t understand why back then. I just rolled with it, or rode it out, which did eventually turn into rebellion. I remember I was not enjoying the Merry-Go-Round.

I’ve mentioned before that I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child. Not by just my father, but by my brother, my brother-in-law, some cousins, and then a couple boyfriends. Their actions are what created that DOUBT within me that would stick around a long time. The path I was on was going to be wild, crazy, and at times unpredictable. It took a while but I soon learned it was God’s plan for me to be the one to stand tall and to see it through. He helped me to see the sins of another were not my sins. I felt betrayed by a religion that protected the men and left the victims broken. God didn’t give up on me though. He knew my heart. God taught me that though broken by man, I was not broken in His eyes. He knew what was ahead and He was with me all the way. He took me off the Merry-Go-Round and introduced me to the Roller Coaster.

I LOVED the Roller Coaster! Sometimes I would ride the same ride over and over. At times, and there were many, I wanted OFF! Why do I have to ride it again! God kept me on it for reasons of His own and at the time, none of us know exactly why until the ride is over. It did scare me, but thrilled me at the same time. It wasn’t long before I learned how to navigate all the dips. That’s what life is made of.

But coming out of a family who still riding the Merry-G-Round, I was betraying them. I truly was alone in my healing. No one really wanted to face it and those that tried, were only able to skim over it. I remember all so well the fear of the family. Black balled. Banished. Discredited. Ignored. Disowned. Those feelings overwhelmed me so I could only imagine how it must have overwhelmed them too. I had to push beyond it because I knew from all the therapy this was the right of passage. All that crap they threw me was their way to control the victims. After all, for years and I mean YEARS, so many things were swept under the carpet with hands slapped. When the carpet didn’t work any more, they were thrown into the biggest closet possible! Yes, that is how many victims there are, and it had to be a walk in closet to boot!

Fast forward to the present…the last of my family victims (or so I thought) are now in their late twenties to mid thirties. Unfortunately some victims can grow up to be abusers. Some now have families of their own now. And guess what? Yup, that closet door has been opened again.

This time I do not feel compelled to do the work of making sure justice is received. I already did it! My kids were protected. However, what I am seeing this time is how the family is supporting the victims. When we pressed our charges, everyone was protecting that man. What was best for him? We stood alone with the prosecution and were persecuted for putting him through it. A daughter shouldn’t press charges against her father? Seriously! I remember during a family session that was intended to be a place for us to work on this as a family, my brother saying, “it isn’t about you but about him getting the help he needs!” Again, seriously. Did I hear him right? I felt it was always a joke to him. Honestly, I think they were more concerned with what I might say, what I remembered, to what can they do to control me. They weren’t prepared for the direction I went.

23 years later...

I am so happy for this young lady, and for the others that came forward as well. I do have mixed feelings because life for me and my family might have been different had we had the same family support, but that was then and this is now. I know I had to go through what I did so these victims can get through it too! I guess in a way I set the path for them to be able to walk out of the darkness. There is LIFE after the healing!

That closet might be open again, but this time…I have already done a lot of work in the cleaning of it. God blessed me with a Bible study over a year ago that at the time I found really hard.mml


Me, Myself & Lies by Jennifer Rothschild







I refused to give up! I just found that cleaning my closet in a group was not what I needed. But it did need done. I have yet to finish it completely but have a strong feeling God’s plan is working here. Call it a sign, but by that closet opening again, God wants me to do the work He has planned for me to do so that it can close for good. I can’t deny His direction. This closet needs to be cleaned out for the last time. God knew I just needed someone else to open the door.

This time I am not on the Merry-Go-Round but will watch over those riding, well once I get off my Roller Coaster that is!

Monday, April 9, 2012

I Will Survive!

I mentioned before our travel plans had to be changed. Not only did we have to make it to Napa, California for the Memorial for Mama Dixie, we also had a detour that took us through New Mexico to Denver…


then across Wyoming, Utah, and Nevada before we made it to California.





My head got worse…my ears totally plugged and the altitude didn’t help at all!

On top of that, our trip to Denver was not for pleasure. I absolutely dislike custody battles. What is wrong with some of the women now a days? Just like another we deal with, this lady’s choices brought with it the consequences she is facing right now. A hair follicle drug test should clear everything up, however, people that partake in such things find ways to get a clean test. I hope that doesn’t happen in this case. A precious life depends on the truth!







Once done with the sad business in Denver we had to leave abruptly for the memorial. With snow prediction ahead we took a route that didn’t take us directly over the Rockies.  Driving 18 hours straight through each person driving 6 hours to get us there on time.

Due to all the detours, no computer access (actually there was some available, I just didn’t feel like getting on it), I finished up my last week of my Lent fast with my Bible. I felt great that I made it through lent as I promised God I would.

Everyone was asking when I would get back FB. They missed me! They missed seeing the life I share. And I missed seeing what everyone was up too. Will FB be at the top of my list again. Maybe, maybe not! I updated some pictures, played a few games, and went right back to what I enjoyed while off, reading, writing, editing, and life in life! It takes to much time away from more important things. So for now, FB will take a back burner, while our lives are upfront cooking away.

We did make it home just in time for Easter.

However I got really sick the day before we were to travel home. Another cyst, this time on my tailbone, knock me down and out. Literally! As I laid there all I could do was think of all that needed to be done once I got home. Fortunately I purchased all the basket stuff before we left. All I had to do was create them, finish the chocolate eggs I was trying to do, personalize some hollow chocolate eggs, arrange the egg hunt (the Grand’s wanted clues) decorate and set the table,  hide the eggs, cook brunch, clear away brunch, prepare dinner, etc.….it was just way to much for this sick lady!

My daughter pulled together the egg hunt. Hubby went shopping for food and flowers. Son-in-Law cleaned the beach and lawn area. Hubby cooked brunch. It was great to have so much help.























I will survive!


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