Wednesday, January 6, 2010

For the First Time!

I'm in a bit of a funk! And it's not the first time!

It might have something to do with losing our dog Monday.

It might have something to do with how painful the last month has been.

It might be I have to get down the last of the tree's and decorations by Friday so the housekeeper can clean.

It might be we lost our dog Monday.

It might be one of my twins made it home safely only to take the 'Grand'dogter home. And the other is back east freezing.

It might be that tomorrow is my 53rd birthday.

It might be we lost our dear sweet Maybell.

However, life will get back to normal, right! Depends on what normal will be. Normal like the year we just had, I hope not.

To be BOLD, like another blogger I read, things just aren't normal around here and I am not sure how to pick it up or even apart sometimes.

For the first time in years, there is no construction going on. I have floors I can walk on and not trip and fall. I can slowly get things out of storage, only to then try and figure out where and how to arrange it all. I can dust one day a week (swifter that is) instead of daily, (my housekeeper will be happy also for the lack of dust in cracks). I get to LIVE in a finished home, yet things get me in this funk. I can only do so much before the pain tells me to stop.

For the first time in years, I have lost another dog and the pain of missing her over comes me at times. From morning bisquits - to seeing her ball laying on the yard, brings back that heart wrenching ache. Dealing with the anger of not knowing she got out, why she got, when did she get out, brings guilt of why didn't I wake up. I usually hear every noise made in and around my house, even while asleep, but for the last few weeks, I have had to take pain medication and/or cold medication at night and just didn't hear anything. Just beating myself up mad!

For the first time in years, I have stuck with two great doctor's who understand that just because I have tumors growing in me that can't be removed, doesn't mean I don't want or can't LIVE and enjoy the journey. To find out it was them causing the symptoms of a NMD was relieving yet scarey. Knowing my spinal cord is being compressed and could cause me to develope more myopathy down the way, scares me. To know anyone of them could rupture, scares me. Knowing I have one on my liver, and if it goes, so do I, scares me. But this last year and a half, I have been in Christian counseling and have learned that God is there for me. I know He will be there for my family. I know He has a plan for all this and will trust in Him.

For the first time in years, it was not up to me to put a bandaid on my children's booboo's. But to watch, and sometimes hear, them tend their own wounds, made me realize we have down a great job with our children. With all we have gone through as a family, it only made us stronger and built character in ways only a parent can understand and be proud of. Did we like all their choices? Would we have made the same choices? Probably not, but they weren't for us to make and with love and encouragment, they learned just what they needed to learn, went through just what they needed to learn, and it has all brought them to where they are now. I see great things ahead for all of them.

For the first time in years, my family, and I am not talking about the family I raised, but the family I was raised with, does not bother me anymore. Some try to knock on my door in very disfunctional ways, but I don't open the door. It's my door, and if I don't want to open it, I don't have to. Do I miss that sisterly relationship? I would if it had been there before, but it wasn't. It was never there to protect me, only to hurt me. It wasn't there to lift my spirits, but to drag me down. I do have a sisterly relationships with one of them, her being the oldest while I am the youngest. I have a very close relationship with brother and my SIL is more like a sister. I have two very close and dear friends that are defiantely my sisters. They are there for me, and only for me. They don't need to knock me down, they pick me up. I don't even know who in the family reads my blog. I have sent them the link a number of times, but none of them follow me. That says something, doesn't it. (I know my friends and brother reads it as they email me) So if they do, and they are reading this, I have probably pissed them off again. They don't seem to like me speaking up and opening the closets. But as my counselor says, it's their junk. And what another blogger said, It's my blog and I'll blog what I want to. So if you are reading, try to make an attempt at some HONEST ammends. You know my number, if you have lost it, I'm listed and it has not changed in the 15 years we have lived here. If you are reading, then down the road, you just might see a post of how and what seperated us, wrote HONESTLY.

Thanks for letting me vent, I feel a bit better, even though my ribs and back hurt so much, it could be the pain meds doing thier job.



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